


The Secret Life of Trees

by NiceSideOfTheMoon



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Beverly Marsh & Richie Tozier Are Best Friends, Eddie Kaspbrak & Beverly Marsh Are Best Friends, Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Everybody Lives, Famous Richie Tozier, Fluff, M/M, Richie Tozier Has a Dog, Swearing, and some funny tags that make you want to read this, and there are not THAT many poo jokes, no clown au, since Eddie is in this, this one is funny, tho no beta and we die like eddie and stan :')
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-19 01:14:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29742741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NiceSideOfTheMoon/pseuds/NiceSideOfTheMoon
Summary: Richie is very open about many things. At least he doesn’t seem to have a brain to mouth filter. And yet there’s some mystery surrounding the man, for example why he doesn’t like taking walks with Eddie or why he seems to be surrounded by a whole team working for him, even though he’s just a normal comedian. Because that’s what he is, right?Eddie starts dating a guy called Richie, not realizing that he’s famous.
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Beverly Marsh & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak & Beverly Marsh, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 8
Kudos: 63





	1. The Circle of Life

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a chapter of this in Oktober 2019, when I had read too much Douglas Adams and tried to write as casually funny as him. Then again one in December 2019 but ended up hating and abandoning it. And this morning I read those chapters again and loved it? So I finished it today in February 2021. Time flies! I feel old now. Enjoy the story. 
> 
> Alternative titles are: "At night he is Loveman…" and "Shitty Comedian".

It started in a park. 

Eddie had spent the late summer evening to get some fresh air and be alone with his thoughts. So where else to go to than to a park? It was only five minutes away, it was big, so a lot of room for a walk and also it was quite beautiful for a green patch in a big city. Basically, it was Eddies go-to-park for whenever he needed to GO TO a park. 

Most people probably used their free nights to meet friends or to go on dates, but Eddie actually enjoyed being alone from time to time. On his workdays he had to drive people around in fancy limousines and frankly, after an eight-hour-shift, he always had to wrestle down the violent urge to run away from everyone and hide in his flat.

Also, he met his friends on weekends and though he loved them dearly and they were basically family, even they were too much on weeknights, considering his need for loneliness. And dates… well let’s not talk about that. Eddie seemed to be cursed, because most of his dates were disasters or just terribly awkward encounters with guys he hoped to never meet again. He was so bad at dates that he was sure that, at some point in his life, he had insulted a witch. What if after a bad day or a long shift he had been mean to some random woman that happened to have a magical, yet dark hobby? And now he was doomed to never meet the person, or any person, he was supposed to be with. 

Yes, he had been in romantic relationships – after all he was forty. However, they had been short-lived, and Eddie wasn’t sure that he had really loved any of those guys. 

But this was in the past. He was strolling through a park now. Living in the present, right? Well, no. Eddie wouldn’t be Eddie if his thoughts weren’t always bouncing between past and future like a ping pong ball. Ping. Thinking about the last relationship that ended quite messy and only a few month ago. Pong. What if he never met someone that was good for him? Ping. He used to go out more. Pong. Will he end up locking himself in his flat, dissocializing and dying of loneliness? It was possible. To Eddie, anything was possible. Anything bad at least.

Most people are aware, that living in the present is the healthiest option. Yet it can be really difficult to live that way. So difficult, that some people – and yes, Eddie included – try to argue that it might, in fact, not be the best option. That worrying was much more practical and thus healthier. If you didn’t worry about, let’s say, walking into trees, you were more likely to walk into them. Because you wouldn’t look out for them. This right here could be such a good argument, but the funny thing is that if you, however, worry about your love life too much you might, subsequently, walk into a tree. 

And this was what happened to Eddie on that nice day in the park. He was a grown man, recently turned forty and he had just walked into a tree like the stupidest little man on this planet. 

“Ouch! You alright?“, the tree said.

This seemed odd enough for Eddie to make him look up, since in his experience trees didn’t talk. (And even though he just learned a valuable lesson about living in the present he was not to abandon his past experiences.)

Now, that he viewed the tree properly it was not that much a tree but very clearly a man around Eddie’s age, with long-ish hair and glasses that consisted of two thick squares. Some hipsters would have found them ironically stylish. Eddie did not.

This was what Eddie saw at his first glance. The second glance revealed to him the face of the man he just walked into. It was a good face, Eddie decided. A bit uncommon but quite friendly and also not bad to look at. Then he realized that the upper body of this guy had just felt like a tree, so he probably was in a good shape. Not bad. Nothing to complain about with this guy. He realized that he had to answer the man at some point, though. Because if he didn’t, he was just some guy at a park, walking into strangers and judging the handsomeness of their faces and upper bodies while silently holding eye contact for an uncomfortably long time. 

“Uhm… sorry!”, Eddie managed to say, while getting back on his feet. He felt a blush rising which was the last thing he needed in this situation. He felt like he might as well could have led with “Hi, you’re hot and I’m desperate. You wanna date?” 

The guy didn’t seem to notice, however, and just shrugged Eddies apology off. “Don’t worry about it. Are you okay?”, he asked again. 

“Yes, I’m… I’m fine. Thank you.” He paused, not knowing what to say. Then he closed with a lame “Sorry”. 

“Hey, no harm done. I mean, except for your pride. That was pretty embarrassing!”

What the hell. The guy was teasing him. The guy… was winking at him. The guy might be a smug asshole. Unfortunately, smug assholes were exactly Eddies type. 

“You have a pretty big mouth for someone who just stands here and blocks the entire path for everyone else. Kind of weird. Maybe I’m embarrassing but you, Sir, you are a creep!” Usually, Eddie was a bit wittier than that. Usually, Eddie did not talk to hot strangers, though.

But much to Eddies surprise the visually appealing yet unknown man seemed to enjoy this. Maybe it had not sounded as awkward as it had felt, because he smiled at Eddie.

“I’m just waiting for my dog to take a shit, to be honest. I might still be a creep, though.” He laughed in a definitely flirty way and Eddie couldn’t believe the guy also found him attractive. He also couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen the small dog before that shily sat in the high-grown grass. “God, talking about shit and saying I’m a creep… Sorry, I’m usually better at that.” The stranger said, suddenly embarrassed. It was cute, really. The guy seemed so full of himself just a second ago but now his grin got uneasy and his gaze wandered to the ground.

“I’m embarrassed to say it’s working on me!” Eddie said casually, the unsureness of his opposite making him feel more confident. Just after saying it, however, he got nervous and decided to concentrate on the dog. It’s always easier to talk about dogs. “Cute one!” He said and nodded into the direction of the nervous wreck, sitting in the grass, unable to relieve herself while being looked at. 

“Thanks, uh. Yeah!” The guy said, still thrown off by Eddies comment but getting a grip on himself. “Her name’s Nala and don’t give me shit for that. That was already her name when I got her. Anyway, she’s an angel but also the most anxious dog you’ll ever meet! Look at her, she can’t even take a dump! Also, I think she’s scared of you…”

“Oh sorry!”

“Don’t worry, she’s scared of everyone. I’ve only just gotten her. We’re working on it!” The stranger said with a smile. “I’m Richie by the way.” And then he had a name.  
“Hi, I’m Edwar- Eddie!”, Eddie said and bit himself on the lips, while Richie chuckled and delightedly shook Eddie’s hand.

“Well, Edwar, do you want to pet my dog?” He made a big theatrical gesture in his dog’s direction that lost all of its dramatic effect due to Nala starting to tremble and pee at the same time. “Oh no, I’m sorry Nala, I didn’t want to scare you!”, Richie said, voice suddenly all soft. Not for long though. “I’m sorry, Eds, Nala won’t be available for petting tonight. I guess you’ll have to settle for me instead.” There was this grin again.

There set some little alarm in Eddie’s head. This was VERY straightforward. But also, coming from a stranger in a park that was slowly getting darker… a bit too dodgy.

“Fuck, you ARE a creep!” That was all Eddie could say and Richie’s eyes got wider, first in confusion, then in shock. 

“Oh god, I didn’t mean… Shit, no! I meant you have to spend TIME with me not pet… Sorry, I’m straightforward but I’m not a dick. Well. I am, but not that kind of… I mean, you know me, right?” 

Eddie’s short relieve turned into confusion. That was a weird end to the apology. It seemed to show in his face, because Richie started to jabber again.

“Or you don’t… Sorry. That was just a… stupid joke. Forget about that!”

They looked at each other, unsure where to pick up the conversation. Nala was finally done and started to hop around Richie’s legs. Happy for a distraction he bent down and petted her back, complimenting her for doing her business. 

“I’m sorry, Eddie. I’m not at my best today. I swear usually I’m much more charming. Would you, despite this shipwreck of a conversation, like to go out on a date with me and I’ll convince you what great of a company I am?” It was kind of funny, Richie kneeling next to his dog, looking up to the smaller man. There was a brutal honestly associated with Richie. He didn’t seem to be able to hide anything from anyone. Eddie liked that, especially because he would never have found the nerves to ask Richie out on a date. Yes, he seemed like chaos in person. He appeared to be the most dysfunctional person Eddie had met in a while. But Eddie liked it. That was, actually, one of his biggest problems with relationships: He always fell for the chaotic types. Richie was different though. He was self-reflective. And he had a dog, that was still alive, so he seemed to be able to take care of SOME part of his life. 

If he was being honest to himself, Eddie was already far too much into that guy. “Will your dog come and pee in the restaurant, though?” He asked, curiously. 

“If… If you want to, I’ll even ask her to shit. Might be a bit disgusting, though. She’s got a weird digestion. Sometimes it just goes like pfshm pfshm!!” He started to mimick things with his hand that Eddie was happy to not understand in detail. 

“Okay, I might just go home, it was nice meeting you, Richie. Well. It was an experience meeting you.” He tried to stay dead-panned but had to smile at the end, so he just turned and walked two steps before Richie started to laugh and call him back.

“Alright, Eds, how about that? If you go out with me, I won’t make a single joke including dog feces – ney! Including all kinds of feces. Deal?” He shot him an amused, yet expectant look.  
“Promise me, you’ll never call me Eds again, and I’m in.”

“Awesome! I can’t give you that promise though. You’re already Eds to me!” Richie gave him a faux apologetic look and shrugged.

Eddie glared at him, barely containing a smile. He actually liked that Richie had already given him a nickname. It was like they had known each other for longer than just a few minutes. But he would never tell him that. “That’s too bad, Richard.” At this, Richie made a face. “But we can still debate that over dinner.” Or over coffee or a film or whatever Richie wanted to do. Eddie didn’t mind. He was just happy to have a date with a cute, weird guy that he was 72% sure of was not a creep. 

“Dinner it is.” Richie said, and grinned widely.


	2. The Creep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie talks to Bev and then has a date with this guy… What was his name? Mitchie? You know which one! He's in the tags.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I very much do not know how to flirt or how to write flirting. If you didn't get that from the first chapter you might realize it now. I never flirted successfully and I will just pretend it's in charater for those two.

“Wait, what did he say?”

Eddie took another sip of his wine to hide his embarrassment. “I swear it sounded less disgusting and… funnier when HE said it.”

He sat on one end of his couch. On the other end Beverly, one of his best friends, was giving her worst not to laugh at him. He had told her about the conversation with Richie from just a day ago. 

“So, you two just stood in the park and talked about pooping? For how long?”, Beverly asked between bursts of laughter.

Eddies face was as red as his wine and he didn’t want to answer her anymore. Actually, he wished he hadn’t even started talking to her about Richie. 

Beverly’s laughter got quieter after a while and then she coughed and said: “Listen, Eddie! That’s a fun story but… That guy sounds like a total weirdo! And you met him in the park. At night. It’s… It’s not really romantic if you think about it. It’s strange.” She looked a bit too concerned for Eddie’s taste but then again, his friends were all very over-protective of him. It kind of made sense to him. He used to be the scared, short kid when they had become friends. Now he was still scared, still short… but at least he was grown up. So, he’d like to have a bit of appreciation for how much he’d grown. Character-wise, he meant. 

“Bev, please stop worrying, you make me feel like we’re kids again. He’s a nice guy with a charming smile. Don’t worry! And he looks too good for a creep.”

“Ah, they’re very good at hiding it, Eddie. You wouldn’t know!”, she said in a half-joking tone. Then, to prove how much she trusted in his choices and maturity, she took his hand and said: “Listen, Eddie. I just don’t want you to get hurt! You’re so weak.”

“Fucker!”, he exclaimed while he tried to kick her off the sofa without spilling any whine. She laughed and put her glass on the table next to them, then held on to his feet to keep them from hitting something. 

“Stop it, you’re like my kids!” Being compared to Bev’s children was something Eddie was used to by now. It wasn’t an insult, though. Beverly’s kids were actual angels. They looked cute, they knew manners and they were smart for their age. Being compared to them was rather a compliment. If you were five years old, anyway. 

“Shut up!” Eddie looked at her for a few seconds. “I swear, I won’t do anything stupid and if he turns out to be a creep, I’ll leave immediately. We’re going to a restaurant, for fucks sake, Bev. He won’t kill me in a restaurant.”

“I’m just saying, be careful.”

“Yeah, I will, mom.”

“Oh, shut up!” She snickered. Eddie had nothing better to do, so he joined her.

Richie had texted Eddie less than 24 hours after they had exchanged numbers. 

Richie: Hey gorgeous! So… friday?

Eddie: Sounds good……

Richie: What about those dots?? x

Eddie: I’m 40. I can make as many dots as I fucking want to……..

Since then they had texted a few times more, always bickering with each other like they had not just met a few days ago. It helped with the nerves, Eddie thought. Because thinking about the date made him, well, excited might not be the right word. Anxious. That covered it. 

On Wednesday Eddie had chosen his date outfit. On Thursday he had written down topics to talk about, if the conversation did not go fluidly. On Friday, Eddie realized all his clothes were ugly, his conversation topics daft and this whole date set to be a disaster. He wondered, why he even went on dates anymore, since he was cursed. Then he remembered Richie’s looks and his smile and his weirdness and he decided that he should at least try to bone that guy.

First dates can be really awkward. In fact, they mostly are. A good date is one, where the daters overcome the awkwardness in a small amount of time. Richie and Eddie overcame the awkwardness as soon as Eddie stepped into the restaurant and saw Richie waiting for him at the bar. Because as soon as he stepped in, and the guy at the door asked him for a reservation, while derogatively checking Eddie out from his 20-dollar-haircut to his 40-dollar-oxfords, Eddie realized that THIS restaurant was fancy-fancy and all his awkwardness vanished to be replaced by horror. When Richie had texted him that it would be a bit posh, Eddie had thought he was joking. He thought, the restaurant would probably be one layer of napkin thickness away from a Subway. But here he was. And there was Richie, all dolled up in a tasteful suit that looked just effortlessly in style and casual enough to be worth more than Eddie made in a month. 

The doubts came flooding in immediately. What if Rich wasn’t the guy he seemed to be? Maybe he was all rich, square and boring and he just wanted to have Eddie here as a joke. If Eddie went in there, everyone would laugh, and Richie would be the one to laugh the loudest. He had wondered why Richie didn’t insist on picking him up, he probably didn’t want to get associated with Eddie. 

He took a deep breath to stop his thoughts from spiraling. That was a thing he learned pretty early in his live, since he tended to overanalyze situations and to be, as Bev called it, “the most radical misanthropist this world had ever seen”. He could handle it much better now that he was grown up. So, he gave his thoughts an imagined middle finger, smiled at the door man and was ready to start his most underdressed experience ever. He got to say “hi” until he realized he only knew Richies first name. Fuck. 

“Ehm. I’m Edward Kaspbrak”, he said and flashed his most nervous smile. He hated his full name, but it seemed like the fanciest thing about him right now and he needed that desperately. “I, uhm. I’m with that guy, uh. Man!” He pointed at Richie and wished the doorman wouldn’t look at him as blatantly disgusted as he did right now. “If that’s no trouble, of course, uhm. Please?”

“Of course. You can join Mr. Tozier at the bar.”

Finally free, Eddie walked over to Richie as fast as he could but not so fast, he would offend the posh people. When he arrived, he had already forgotten Richie’s last name. 

Somehow Richie felt Eddie’s presence (or maybe he heard his heavy breathing-verging-on-hyperventilating) and turned around. His eyes widened. 

“Eddie!”, he said, and Eddie could see he was trying very hard not to smile. “What an outfit. Very… uhm…”

Oh that ass. “Fuck off, Richie, I thought you were joking when you said this place was posh! I already had the worst experience with the door guy, and I hope you feel bad for it because I’ll give you the fault all evening!”

Richie was giggling uncontrollably by now. “Oh shit, man, I’m so sorry!” He clearly wasn’t. “I mean, you look great, though.” He seemed to mean that. “You’re cute when you’re angry by the way.” Oh, he really did mean that. The way he was wiggling his eyebrows was much too enthusiastic to be faked. 

“What the fuck, Richie, how much money do you think I have? I’m a limo driver, I- Actually, fucking hell, man! What’s YOUR job? Do you just casually go to places like this?” Had this been any other man than Eddie, the whole restaurant would have turned around at his nagging, but Eddie was a master of silent judgement and from that developed the arts of silent screaming to a grade that passive aggressive moms could only dream of. 

Richie, sadly, looked more turned-on than impressed. No, “sadly” was the wrong word. There was nothing sad about this. Richie looked turned on and Eddie did not know how to handle this information. He just turned someone on by being himself. By being pissed off. It was only a second, though, and Richie put his smug smile back on. 

“I’m just a comedian, dude. I-“

“If you would follow me, Sirs. Your table is ready.” A woman in a tuxedo had suddenly turned up and looked as if she tried hard to not be impatient when they did not immediately jump to their feet and ran to the table.

“One moment, please”, Richie said to her and her sharp nod would have killed Eddie in an instant, would it have been directed at him. Richie came close to Eddie’s ear which totally not made him blush, because that would be childish. “Full disclosure, Eds, I’ve been fucking with you. I wanted to meet you here and make you think I’m a rich asshole and then tell you it’s all been a joke, so you’d be all relieved and yay, but this woman is scaring the shit out of me and I don’t know if we can leave now.”

Was this a joke? Eddie wasn’t so sure anymore, but he was sure of one thing: Boy, was he pissed off. 

“You fucking asshole!”, he whisper-screamed back into Richie’s ear. “You better get me out of here or I’ll make you pay for everyone’s dinner!”

Richie jolted back and stared at him with wide eyes. “Do you know how fucking expensive this- Ah shit!” He turned to the impatient lady behind him and his frown turned into the most charming grin. “Thank you, Madame, for offering us a spot in this fine location, but I think today we’ll be dining at Subway’s instead.” With this he grabbed the astonished Eddie by his arm and pulled him to the exit as fast as he could.  
“That was the most scared I ever was”, he giggled when they made their way outside. 

“Fucking deserved it! What kind of shitty joke is this for a first date?”

“Aw, Eds, don’t be like that, I just wanted to make this a special memory for you!” Richie winked at him and then produced some sunglasses from his jacket. 

“Richie?”

“Yes, Eddiebear?”

“Fucking hel- Stop giving me nicknames!” This man was the most absurd guy, Eddie had ever met. “And it’s night. You don’t need glasses!”

“Hell yeah, I do, I need to look cool for our date!” With that Richie combed his hand through his hair in a faux-narcissistic way that Eddie really not-so-faux-enjoyed.

“Okay, I believe, you’re a comedian now, because you make jokes. However, I don’t have to laugh about them.”

“Ouch!”

“How do you make money with that job?”

Richie waved that aside. “Well I get enough for my daily bread.”

“And that suit, of course!” Eddie just had to know how this guy suddenly showed a taste in fashion. 

“Oh no, that’s not mine. A friend lent it to me when I told her, I had a hot date. She’s a fashion designer, but like… an actually good one.”

“That’s funny, my best friend’s also… Wait! That’s Beverly’s! I knew I recognized it from somewhere!”

“You know Bev?”, Richie exclaimed, and both looked at each other like they just found out they had a secret twin. “Beverly ‘Bev’ Marsh, ginger, freckles, awesome?”

“Yeah! Bev, she’s one of my best friends!”

“She’s my best friend!”

“Richie!”

“Eddie!”

“What the fuck, how don’t we know each other?”

As it turned out, Beverly and Richie had been friends “since forever”, as Richie put it and for eight years, as a calendar would put it. Apparently, both were quite busy with their jobs and, in Bev’s case, with her kids as well. That meant they mostly met on special occasions when they would support each other by showing up at the other one’s shows. Richie even knew Ben a bit, Beverly’s husband and a just as close friend of Eddie’s as Beverly was. 

“It’s crazy”, Eddie says when they got out of their shared cab and queued up in some Subway. “I know her since we were little. But I don’t know any of her friends that aren’t part of our friends’ group.”

“I guess Bev just knows everyone in New York by now.” Richie smiled and Eddie could see how fond he was of her. Who wasn’t though? Beverly was an actual angel, and to Eddie that was just a fact!

They got their subs and Richie actually sat down on one of the tables in there. 

“You really want to eat here?”, Eddie asked, trying to not look too disgusted. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, did you want to take them to the other restaurant and eat the subs there?”

Eddie could feel himself blush. He really had to make everything complicated, didn’t he? “Sorry! I mean, I…” He lowered his voice. “I think Subway restaurants just smell a bit weird, don’t you agree?”

Richie looked at him with his eyebrows high up on his forehead, trying to stretch as far away as possible from the stupid sunglasses Richie still wore. Okay, this was probably the moment Richie realized that Eddie was weird as shit. It had been good, while it lasted.

In a feeble attempt to save the illusion of normal Eddie he tried to backtrack. “I’m sorry. We can eat here it’s fine. It’s fine. It’s. You know. It’s…”

“Fine?”, Richie suggested.

“Hah. Yeah.” Eddie coughed. “It’s weird, right?”

Richie laughed at that. Then put a hand on his mouth. “Oh god, I’m sorry”, he snorted. “I think you’re so weird, but that nothing new. It’s really cute actually!”

And Eddie blushed again. “Oh, shut up”, he mumbled. 

“I actually have a weird thing as well”, Richie continued. He nodded to the window. “I don’t eat outside.” 

“That is only weird, if you forget about birds pooping. What if it lands on your head or your food?” Eddie shuddered visibly. He was still standing next to the table. Richie looked up at him with wide eyes.

“Wow, Eds, enough with the poop jokes, I thought that chapter was behind us!”

“It’s not a joke, dick, it’s nature. Did it never happen to you?”

“Wow, love that nickname for me!” Richie winked at him. “Listen, if we don’t eat here, and we don’t eat outside… And apparently, though I still think it’s a great idea, we don’t eat the subs at the fancy restaurant. Where should we eat?”

“We could go to my place”, Eddie blurted out. Then he saw Richie’s shocked face and immediately decided to jump of a bridge. “That’s not what I-“

“But Eduardo, this date only started”, Richie gasped, fake shocked. “And I only payed 4.50 for your dinner!”

“I didn’t mean it that way-“, he tried again.

“I am but a humble man. How could I take advantage of your clearly clouded judgement?”

“Okay, asshole, shut the fuck up!”, Eddie calls out and forgot to whisper it.

Richie giggled so hard he had to bury his head in his hands. “Edward, please, use your inside voice.”

Eddie felt the stares at him and decided to sit down next to Richie after all. “No but seriously. Richie. We both know Beverly. Clearly no-one of us is a psychopath and also, we seem to be incapable of just eating anywhere else. Let’s go to my place and-“

“Don’t say it, Eddie!”, Richie squeaked in a weird southern accent that was hard to maintain between his giggles. “I don’t think I’m ready yet.”

“I’m ordering a cab.” While he typed on his phone, Eddie feigned annoyance but in truth, this train wreck of a date was the best night he had had in a while. And if Richie really was Bev’s best friend, he wouldn’t take advantage of Eddie in his flat. ‘Take advantage…’, Eddie thought. ‘I sound like a teenager.’ Then Richie shot him a smile and he felt like a teenager as well.

In this moment Richie pulled out his phone and shot a picture of Eddie.

“What the FUCK?”, he said. Calmly. They were in a restaurant. He did not scream.

Richie was already looking down at his phone and typing away. “Relax, I’m just asking Beverly if she actually knows you.” He looked up then, stern look on his face. “So I know if I can trust you and won’t be killed.”

“Oh.” Eddie gulped, feeling bad for getting loud. Then Richie snorted and started to laugh again. “Hey, what the hell?”

“Oh, come on, dude, you’re half my size.”

“I could kill you, asshole. Keep this up and I might.”

“Well, that would be absolutely worth it!”, Richie said with a wink. 

“What the fuck, is this how you flirt?”

“Stomp me, Eddie.”, he sighed. Stomp me please!”

Eddie cracked at that. “This is so horrible!”, he wheezed, voice all high. “This is the worst.”

“And yet you just invited me to your place!” Richie’s phone dinged at that and he took a look. “Aha, so Bev confirmed you as a not-murderer. I’m free to go, it seems.”

Then Eddie’s phone lit up as well. It was a text message from Beverly.

Bev: Eddie??

Bev: You’re on a date with Richie??

Bev: Are you at a subway??????

Richie glimpsed at Eddie’s phone, that was lying openly on the table. 

“She seems to be very invested in this date. Maybe we should take her with us next time!”

“Maybe she’ll help me shut you up!”, Eddie responded.

It made Richie giggle again. ‘How can a grown man be so cute?’, Eddie thought and told himself to shut up. It was their first date for crying out loud. 

“No-one can shut me up, Eddie, my dude. Many tried. Many failed.”

“Okay, whatever, the cab is here.”

“Ohh, you’re taking me to your house?”, Richie said in a girly voice which, as Eddie found out in this moment with profound embarrassment, worked on him. 

‘Am I really that desperate?’, he thought but he just frowned at Richie.

“It’s New York. I have a flat, so calm down, asshole.” With that he stood up and left the restaurant, trying not to turn around to check if Richie was following him.

“Well, honestly, I hoped you were secretly a mysterious vampire with a mansion, but I guess this is fine as well.” He heard Richie’s voice next to him. 

So, Richie did follow him. Something about that made Eddie very aware of his blood pumping through his body. This guy liked him. He liked him so much that he didn’t care about Eddie’s weird ticks or the way he constantly called Richie names. Maybe he even liked him BECAUSE of that…

Since Eddie’s body betrayed him by making his face blush yet again, he just stepped up to the car and greeted the driver. He climbed into the car and left the door open for Richie who got in after him.

Suddenly Richie was very close to his ear. Like in the posh restaurant it had a profound impact on Eddie’s body, which had had a very exhausting day, indeed, and just wanted to lay down or at least lean into Richie, who smelled good and was very big, like a giant cushion. But Eddie had his body under control and did no such thing.

“I have to admit, I looked at your ass while you were climbing in and I’m very impressed with it.”, Richie whispered.

“Fuck you”, said Eddie, a bit too loud. 

Which was not a great reaction to what he just heard, but he was so busy not leaning into Richie that he forgot to keep his mouth under control as well. Thankfully Richie seemed to dig it and just laughed a raspy laugh. ‘Oof’, said Eddie’s brain. Apparently that one was also out of Eddie’s control. His sweaty palms agreed.

“Listen, while we’re admitting things”, Eddie started, not sure who gave him permission to speak or what he was saying. “I actually hate Subway.” Very romantic.

Richie stared at him. “Dude what? How can you not like Subway?”

“It’s disgusting! Do you even know what’s in the bread and the sauces?”

“What?”, asked Richie, too shocked to even make a joke.

“A fast death!” 

And that pushed Richie into a three-minute laughing fit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Girls will say "I know a place" and take you to Subway.


	3. Fierce Eddie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie is tired, Bev wants to know what's up and Eddie just wants a tidy apartment.

There are moments that seem to be out of time and out of place. Having a car crash counts as one. A lot seems to be happening, but the brain cannot deal with it, so humans just realize tiny details, one after one after one. And in these moments, the world can be seen as what it is: Tiny little atoms, light and soundwaves, all mixed together in an epic chaos.

Every morning when Richie got woken up by his phone, he felt like that.

After a few seconds of floating through the timeless space and feeling the atoms tingling in his brain, reality got its meaning back and Richie realized it was not his alarm that awoke him but a call.

“Beverly, you horrible human being. You know I hate being woken up and this is my first free morning in two weeks”, Richie wanted to say. Instead, he went with a smooth “Hmbuuuh?”

“Ah, you’re up!”, sounded the voice of his best friend from the other line. He accidentally let the phone slip from his hand and had to dig through the cushions to find it again, somewhere along with his fine motor skills.

“Richie?”, Beverly’s voice called.

“Fuck youuuu!”, Richie mumbled back.

“There he is! Listen, you never texted me back! How was your date with Eddie? How did you not tell me about the park?”

“What park?”

Beverly sighed impatiently. “Wake up, Richie. The park where you and Eddie met! I need you to tell me everything from your perspective!”

Richie groaned. It was too early. “We met in a park, we talked about dogs and poo, I was very charming, so he agreed to go to dinner with me. Then we texted a few times. Then I took him to dinner at this super fancy place to impress him but realized that was a horrible idea, then we went to Subway instead and then to his place and we talked about our jobs and you and stuff.”

“Yeah, how does he like your job? He’s not much into the whole celebrity thing, is he?”  
Richie laughed weekly. “Well, that’s the great thing, Bevvie. He doesn’t know I’m famous. He thinks I’m a shitty comedian that-“

“So do I.”

“Ha-ha, bestie. Thanks for that. Anyway, but he doesn’t think I have money and fame.”

“You’ve got to tell him, Richie. Or else I will have to!” Beverly sounded earnest. She was right, though. Richie hated it, when she was right. And she always was.

“Yeah, yeah, I tell him the next time we meet. Gotta go, Bev. Love y-“

“Hold on!”, she yelled. “We’re not done here! You went to his apartment and then?”

“Oh my god it’s so early, Bev, its-“, he fumbles for his glasses on the night table and puts them on, to look at his clock. Only there is no clock. And this is not his bed.

“Richie? Did you fall asleep again?”

“Fuck!”, said Richie. And he remembered the night before. They talked and talked and then they kissed and kissed and then they- “Bev, I gotta go!”

“Richie, what happened? Are you okay?”

“Fuck! My dog sitter will be so pissed!” He scrambled out of bed, losing the phone in the act. He picked it up again. “Everything is fine, Bev, I’ll call you back!” 

He hung up before she could reply something and looked around. He was in Eddie’s bedroom. He did not wear clothes. The door was closed, the blinds were closed, his pants were on the floor. 

“Yes! Jackpot!”, Richie said and made a triumphant “ha-ha” when he found his boxers and his shirt as well. He put them on and then stopped suddenly.

Where was Eddie?

Richie had really enjoyed the night. He actually had enjoyed every minute with Eddie. They were already so comfortable with each other. He loved how it felt like they were best friends but then also were really attracted to each other. He was an old sap, he knew that. But it had felt a tiny bit like fate when it had turned out they were both friends with Bev. He had loved kissing Eddie, had loved biting his neck like a vampire to make him laugh and then getting a whole different reaction. When they met for the first time, Richie had thought Eddie was cute, but now he knew how unhinged he was, and it was even better! He had spent the last night getting insulted by a tiny man who looked like he would freak out if he would ever meet a bug and it had been so! Hot!

And now Eddie was gone, and Richie did not know how to proceed from here. Should he call him? Did Eddie even want to stay in contact? Maybe the Bev thing put too much pressure on him?

He heard a small “clang” from outside the door. Someone in the kitchen maybe? And then Richie remembered that this was Eddie’s flat and he probably did not fuck and run.

“God, I need a coffee!”, Richie realized. 

His brain just didn’t function without its bean juice. He left the bedroom, probably looking like the pile of clothes he kept on a chair at home next to his bed. The door of the bedroom was connected to a living-room-slash-kitchen. Eddie was at the sink and put some plates into some cupboards. He turned around when he heard the door.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?”, Eddie asked softly. He was always a mixture of a feral little goblin and the most thoughtful man Richie had met in a long time. Spending time with him was like opening presents on Christmas morning and each and every one was a fantastic surprise. 

“No worry, Eds Spagheds, it was our mutual friend calling me.” Eddie made a face at the nickname. It was very cute. Richie was standing next to Eddie now but didn’t know where to put… any of his limbs. So, he just rubbed his hands and asked: “Do you have coffee?” 

“Sure!”, said Eddie and put a mug under a fancy coffee machine. The sunlight reflected in its mirrorlike shell and it was completely smudge-free. Richie looked around the flat. There were no crumbles on the kitchen desk, no little onion skins on the floor, the sofa looked like it was bought yesterday and the carped was so white, he couldn’t look at it with his tired eyes.

“Your apartment is, like. Really clean.”, was Richie’s sharp observation.

Eddie scrunched his nose. “It’s like a whole thing, yeah…” When Richie did not answer (too tired, needed coffee) he added hasty: “I have it under control, though!”

Richie snorted. This man was so ridiculous and so great and whoops he looked at him like laughter had not been the best reaction. “Oof, sorry, I didn’t mean to be a dick. I don’t mind. The cleanliness, I mean.”

Eddies face was deadpanning again. ‘Yas, fierce Eddie!’, was Richie’s first thought. He loved validation, even if it came in form of annoyed yells. Richie was a real notice-me-senpai-kind of guy. Notice-me-in-whatever-way.

“Why did you laugh about it then, dickwad?”, grumbled Eddie and handed Richie his coffee. Sweet, sweet grumbly man. Richie added sweet, sweet sugar to his beverage.

“I’m sorry, Eddie”, he said in a sing-sang voice and sipped on his coffee. Too Hot, too hot. “I just think you’re cute!”

“Shut up you big…”, Eddie started, blushing all over. 

“Big?”

“Big…” Eddie crossed his arms, leaning against the counter. The dishes were in the cupboards now. Everything was neat and tidy. “Big… whatever. It’s early. Fuck you.”

Richie’s heart said hello with some violent beating. “I fuck you too, Eddie Spaghetti!” ‘Nope, to close to an early ‘I love you’! Just play it cool. It was just a joke.’ Richie’s panic thoughts hopefully didn’t show on his surface, where he overplayed them with a casual wink. Smooth!

Eddie looked like he was about to argue again, so Richie swooped in and kissed him on the mouth. It was a bit awkward because there was not enough time to get the angle right and Richie’s glasses where kind of in the way but after some adjusting it became a much more pleasant experience. Eddie opened his mouth and Richie slid in his tongue, getting a validating moan from Eddie, when suddenly Crazy Frog started playing.

“What the fuck is that!”, said Eddie who had his eyes still closed but now furrowed his brow. 

“That’s my phone.” Richie grinned. One of his top goals was annoying people and he had found the perfect ringtone to achieve that. Even though kissing a bit more would have been much better.

“This song should be banned, Richie. We survived it, it’s time to bury it.”

Richie looked at him with shock written across his face. “Never! It’s a classic, Eds!” Then he looked at his phone. It was his manager. On his free day? That was never good. “Yeah? Steve?”

“Hey, Richie. Just giving you a heads up: There are photos of you with your date last night. Nothing too bad, just two middle aged men at a Subway.”

Richie snickered. “Well, it’s what people expect from me, isn’t it?”

Steve sighed deeply. It was fine. He liked Richie. Probably. “Okay, I’m just saying that you should expect some really mean articles. The photos look ridiculous. Why are you wearing a suit and sunglasses in that shitty Subway?” 

Richie would pay money to see those photos. But he doesn’t have to, just needs to google his name in a few hours. “Okay, Steve, my man. Forget about it. Doesn’t he look hot though?”

At this point Eddie throws him a puzzled look but Richie just waves it away and sticks out his tongue.

“Richie I’m straight.”, says Steve on the other end.

“Yeah, and as a straight guy you can still judge people on their appearances.”

A long sigh again. “Alright, he looks hot.”

“Wow, Steve, you’re married. Calm the fuck down, man.”

“Yeah, yeah. I saw that one coming.”

“You sure, you’re straight, Steve?” Richie looked at Eddie who was now scrubbing something out of the very clean sink. He really did like it clean, apparently. 

“Okay, whatever, I chose this. I chose to work for comedians. Listen, Richie. Your dog sitter called me.”

It was 9 in the morning and Richie had already forgotten about his dog for the second time today. “Shit!”, he exclaimed, and Eddie looked at him worried. “I forgot my dog”, Richie told him, feeling like the worst person ever. “My dog sitter must hate me!”

“You want to go get him? Or should we go to your place? What do we do?”, asked Eddie all panicky as well. Staying calm seemed to be not their strong suit. 

Steve piped up again. “Sounds like the date went well then.”

“Steve, is Nala okay? Is the dog sitter still there?”

“You payed her until morning, Richie. Yeah, she’s still there. But she needs to leave like half an hour ago.”

Fuck. “Okay, I can come over in a bit! I’m basically on my way!” He looked for his shoes. They had to be somewhere!

“It’s a dog, Richie. It will survive. Can Abby go?”

“Abby? My assistant Abby?”

Steve groaned. “The other Abby. Dog sitter Abby.”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah sure.”, Richie mumbled distractedly as Eddie gave him his shoes and expected a kiss as an exchange. Richie obliged. 

“Don’t forget about Kimmel next week!”

“Yeah, yeah, Kimmel!” Richie tried to squeeze his feet into his shoes without opening the laces. “See ya Steve, thank you. What would I do without you?”

“Die.”, Steve said and hung up. 

Richie put away his phone and Eddie burst out: “Kimmel? Jimmy Kimmel? Are you going to see Kimmel? You have an assistant? Who was that on your phone?”

“Eddie. Beautiful Eddie. I have to leave now, or my dog will piss over my entire carpet floor. I’ll call you as soon as I’m home! Please don’t hate me.” He kissed him and half ran out the door.

“Your breath stinks!”, Eddie yelled after him. But it sounded like a fond yell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't remember if Richie's agent was called Steve. I'm not even sure if this was canon or fanon.


	4. Loveman at night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of chatting, my fellow kids. Richie needs to know if Eddie is cool with dating a celebrity and Beverly is a second away form installing cameras so finally someone tells her what's going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know how in stories you explain who the characters are? I decided not to do that with the Losers. This is fanfiction. We all know them! (I didn't know if it was neccessary... Aaaa how doeth one writeth?)

The Loser’s Group Chat. 

Eddie: Hey uhm one question…

Ben: Eddie! How was the date? :-)

Mike: Yeah, how was the date?

Bill: Oh yeah, how was the date?

Eddie: Great, so everyone knows? 

Stan: Never tell Beverly a secret.

Bev: It’s my one flaw :’(

Mike: So what’s the question?

Eddie: So… Richie is behaving a bit weird? Bev, do you know what’s up with that?

Bev: Yeah he’s 100% weird. I thought that’s why you get along haha

Eddie: (typing)

Stan: Oh my god what is it?

Ben: Are you okay? :-(

Mike: Eddie, spit it out!!

Eddie: Is he famous?

Bill: Who?

Mike: Richie?

Bev: Yeah.

Bill: What??

Bev: It’s Richie Tozier

Bill: Eddie is dating Richie Tozier??

Eddie: Wait what?

Stan: He’s not even funny, Eddie. Great catch.

Ben: He’s nice, guys :--)

Bev: Your smiley has a long nose, babe x

Bev: You know what they say about long noses, tho? ;) 

Mike: Oh my god

Bill: Please, Beverly

Stan: (left the chat)

That’s when Eddie decided that asking his friends would not bring any more clarity. He had just typed Richie’s full name into google and read the first automatic google suggestion (“Richie tozier gay or bi?”) when his phone rang.

“Hey Eddie! Nala is fine now. She was barely scared. Do you think I scare her? Is that why she’s so anxious?”

As endearing as Richie freaking out about being a dog parent was, Eddie was not fully recovered from the new information he had just received. 

“Richie… Are you famous?”

“Huh”, said Richie.

“I mean, I just… I guess you are. Bev said you are.”

Richie coughed. “I mean, I guess. Yeah. Do you mind?”

In this instant, hundreds of horror scenarios of dating a celebrity flushed through Eddies head like a big wave and took all other thoughts with them. Paparazzi, getting bugged on twitter, the press voting his outfits against these of another celebrity mistresses, Eddie holding the camera for some fan so they could make photos with his date.

“How… uhm. How famous are you?”

“Uhmmm. Well, I’m on Jimmy Kimmel next week? But I’m not Beyonce?”

“Are you sure you’re not Beyonce? Because that sounded like a question.” Eddie’s brain short circuited and left him with empty thoughts and lame jokes.

Richie laughed a bit, though, because he always laughed at Eddie’s jokes. “I’m 50 % positive, I’m not Beyonce but if you put on ‘Single Ladies’ and I transform into her, please don’t be surprised.”

“Uhm. Uh-huh.” Eddie made.

“Listen, if it’s too much you can tell me, because I can take it.”, Richie said uncharacteristically earnest. 

And then the wave of paparazzi horror was over and instead a new film started in Eddie’s head: Richie smiling, Richie kissing him, Richie’s voice before his first coffee, Richie sitting in a shitty Subways in a suit and with sunglasses on, Nala trembling like a leaf and Richie trying to comfort her. Eddie had to smile.

“No, I- I’m not a fan of it but I think it’s fine.”

Richie sighed loudly. “Oh, thank FUCK because I couldn’t have taken it!”

Eddie snorted a laughter. “That’s why you need this celebrity stuff? To push your ego?”

“Oh yeah I would be nothing without the attention!” He was quiet for a second, just laughing softly. “Listen, do you want to come over? Or should I? I feel bad for leaving you so hasty…”

“Uh… Yeah. Yeah, just give me a moment to freak out about the celebrity stuff and then I’ll be over.”

Richie coughed. “I actually… Have kind of bad news. About the celebrity stuff. They have photos of us.”

“The celebrities?”

“The paparazzi.”

“Oh.”

Richie’s voice sounded strained when he talked again. “I know, this sucks. We just met. Do you want me to try to stop the story? It’s just gonna be a small thing though. I think.”

“Okay, let me freak out about the celebrity stuff AND that and then I’ll come over and we talk.”

“Okay. You okay?”

“Fine.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

The Loser’s Group Chat. 

Eddie: So Richie is famous!

Bill: What?

Bev: No way!! :O

Stan: It comes as a shock to me.

Eddie: Fuck you I’m freaking out

Eddie: There are photos of us………

Eddie: They want to publish them……

Bev: Do you look hot in them?

Eddie: I don’t know? I haven’t seen them? Is it important?

Bill: Just ignore paparazzi. It’s what I do.

Stan: Writers don’t get paparazzi. Even if they are famous.

Bill: Fuck you I get paparazzi

Stan: Sure.

Bev: He’s right tho! Ignore them, live your life. You like Richie? Date him. He’s weird but great! Like you <3

Ben: Awwww! :-))

‘Beverly might have a point’, thought Eddie. Did he really want his anxiety to get in the way of the first good dating experience he had had in years? He grabbed his keys and walked out the door.

“Your place is crazy!”, said Eddie.

He was in Richie’s bed, very naked, very content. Richie was wrapped around him, his hand in Eddie’s hair. He could feel Richie’s breath on his neck.

“Your hair is soft”, came Richie’s murmured answer.

“Thanks, man. But I mean it. Your place is huge!”

Richie looked up at that, brows furrowed. “I don’t really like it to be honest. It’s too big.”

“For real?”

Now Richie went up on his forearms and put on his glasses to give Eddie a better show. “I am but a rich comedian, lost in my huge mansion”, he said with the voice of an old man who smoked 2 packs of cigarettes every day. “The nights are the hardest.”

Eddie rolled his eyes but couldn’t keep from smiling. “And we’re back to funnyman mode.”

“You want Loveman back?” Richie wiggled his eyebrows.

Eddie just scoffed at that. “You’re over forty, dude. Don’t pretend like you’re ready to be Loveman again.”

“Hmm. I like that, it’s like a secret identity.” Now he switched into his TV advertisement voice: “At day he is Richie Tozier. But at night…” He took off his glasses. “HE IS-“

“As blind as a fish!”

“Well, you’re not wrong”, Richie said and squinted at him. “Where are you, Eds? Did you leave me?” He was back in his old man voice and patted the mattress around Eddie. “Did you leave me alone in my giant mansion? All by myself?”

Old men can be found on park benches, near duck ponds and at afternoon theater shows. They cannot be found in Eddie’s sexual fantasies. And yet he still managed to find Richie sexy while Richie was being his silliest self. 

‘Well, I’m fucked!’, Eddie thought and laughed when Richie started stroking his face and called out: “Is this you, Edward? Did you come back to me?”

Richie: Bev!!

Richie: Bev, Eddie stayed over! 

Richie: He helped me with my dog. I’m such a bad dog parent. Why did you allow me to get a dog?

Bev: I actually tried talking you out of it

Bev: Also you’re a great dad to Nala! She adores you

Bev: Also yessss he stayed over!!

Richie: I also stayed over at his place last night :3

Bev: Wow you really don’t care about taking it slow huh?

Bev: Also who uses cat emojis?

Richie: I REALLY LIKE HIM BEV

Richie: Don’t tell him that!!!!1!eleven!!

Bev: Your secret is safe with me

Richie: Also don’t tell Ben or Eddie’s friends!!!

Bev: Whoops Ben won’t tell anyone

Bev: Tell Eddie I said hi <3

Richie: Tell Ben I said hi <3

Eddie: Why did you keep that one from me?

Eddie: Does he have a dark secret?

Bev: Yea his taste in men is horrible

Eddie: Funny……

Bev: YEA…………

Eddie: He is great though!

Eddie: And I like his dog!

Eddie: He’s great with dogs as well!

Bev: WOW hold your horses! So many compliments! Eddie… Did you forget you hate people?

Eddie: There are few exceptions… This one is fine… 

Bev: Your texts sound so creepy! Stop using so many dots!

Bev: But I’m glad you like him

Bev: I’ll text him <3

Eddie: BEVERLY MARSH IF YOU TEXT HIM THAT I LIKE HIM I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN!!

Bev: Damnnn you know how to do capslock??

Bev: I won’t tell him, don’t worry babe x

Eddie: Okay!!

The Loser’s Group Chat. 

Stan: Have you guys seen the articles? Are we not talking about this?

Bill: Please let’s talk about this! I’ve been dying to!

Stan: Thank fuck!

Ben: Which articles?

Mike: (link to an article about “Richie’s new bae” with a picture of Richie and Eddie sitting in a Subway)

Mike: He didn’t mind taking you somewhere fancy, huh, Eddie?

Mike: @Eddie

Bill: Eddie’s not online I guess.

Ben: I think they look cute

Bev: Hahahahaha

Bev: Richie wearing my suit to Subway… He looks so stupid!

Eddie: Shut up!!

Mike: Ouuuuuu here to defend his man

Bev: I knew that would get a reaction from you ;) 

Eddie: Let’s not talk about that article!

Stan: I hope it’s the first of many.

Ben: Don’t listen to them Eddie!

Eddie: Yeah I won’t 

Bev: (added Richie to the group)

Eddie: Oh no 

Stan: The sacred chatroom!

Bill: Desecrated!!

Richie: Wait what is this? Who’s calling me a loser?

Eddie: Kick him out Bev! He doesn’t belong here!

Richie: EDS MY LOVE HOW GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU <333

Stan: Oh no. We don’t want flirting here.

Mike: What’s happening?

Bev: Richie!! The losers club meets this Saturday at 4! You in?

Richie: No idea who this people are but if Eds is there SURE!

Eddie: Yeah I’ll pass.

Stan: Same.

Ben: Richie!! Are you finally one of the Losers?

Richie: Ben my dear!

Richie: I’ve always been a loser!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like Bill, I do not know how to write endings. 
> 
> If you read until here thank you so much for the attention! I hope you enjoyed it. Please consider leaving a comment, as they make me grow big and strong. Even if it's a mean one :') (Please be nice) (Funny or awkward comments are also appretiated)

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a one shot! Oof. Please be nice. I am very soft.
> 
> Also this is the only chapter where they talk so much about poo and I don't know how it happened. I'm sorry.


End file.
